The 2011 Video Games Retrospective
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Nechrol
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Ed: Please note, this is an opinion piece. See New Game Network’s official Game of the Year 2011 selections.
2011 was a big year, not that is was any longer than other years proceeding; it had the same amount of days, roughly 365, but events-wise. Dictatorships toppled, tsunamis devastated Japan, adding large-scale water features and stressing out Geiger counters of scientists.
However, enough about the ills of the world, too much exposure to mostly apathetic news coverage of how we’re all going to die a horrible and painful death could cause us to bash our heads in with an old-school Xbox controller.
Lucky for us, we have entertaining distractions in the form of entertainment, and I’ve compiled a list of my own awards.
Most Depressing Game News of the Year
Runner-up: Modern Warfare 3 Announced
COD 3, or Call of Duty 3 if you happen to live under a rock, has sold over 9 million units to date. I include myself in those units as I bought the game, but looking back now, I can’t help but stare at the case with almost suicidal despondency.
It represents the lowest common denominator of gamers, the Michael Bay of the games industry if you will. And as a franchise all we have to look forward to is the inevitable decline, milking the cash cow until all that remains is an emaciated carcass. The president of EA will sit atop his throne of angry twelve year olds while an employ dressed in a potato sack beats his fists against the cow’s raw and bloody udders. It’ll still sell though…
Winner: Angry Birds domination
Angry Birds officially crashed through the one million mark in the app store like a rotund canary rocketing through planks of brittle wood. This is what humanity has come to, and it won’t be long until the religion of Angry Birds is recognized in the census. The ‘Birdites’ (its clergy) shall construct giant slingshots and fire pheasants at Mach 3 into a condemned building brimming with insane/suicidal livestock.
Most useless game periphery
Runner up: Wii Bowling Ball
A masterpiece in spherical and plastics engineering, giving the player a unique opportunity to both appear like an idiot and increase your chance of smashing your lovely 52″ flat-screen TV by one million percent.
Winner: Wii Fishing Rod
An exceptional engineering feat, seamlessly combining a length of flimsy plastic with a piece of string and sleek holder for your Wii nunchuks that will attract everyone of the female persuasion in your neighborhood. I’m not sure what it is, but women love a man who plays SEGA Bass Fishing in all of its anatomically correct glory.
Weirdest game of the year
Runner up: Catherine
Atlus’s Catherine, in which a man balancing two female relationships regularly falls into dreams where he completes puzzles coupled with running away from demonic sheep. The game mixes eroticism with psychological drama, a sort of indescribable experience, like trying to give a speech in the nude while members of the audience throw inflatable lady parts at your head.
See, on the surface there’s a quirky little bit of augmented reality where the player can take a picture of their bedraggled visage and have it plastered onto flying balls that shoot you. Harmless right? Or is it…
I played the game on a younger member of the family’s 3DS. After nearly complaining to Nintendo regarding their face capture tech (which took me from a solid 7, down to a child’s drawing reconstructed by a psychopath) I watched my disembodied face take flight. All went well until the facial monstrosity burst through my living room wall and proceeded to kiss me to death.
I dropped the 3DS, went into my room, and wept while reflecting on how that was the most significant level of emotional attachment I’d experienced that year.
Furthest Anticipatory Nosedive
Runner up: Duke Nukem Forever
Duke Nukem Forever was released with not so much a bang but a fizzle, and what did people expect, thirteen years had passed. Anticipation was simply too large, there was no way it could have fulfilled peoples’ expectations. The only way the public could have gotten a happy ending with their purchase was if each copy came with a ticket to a shady massage parlor.
Winner: Dead Island
I don’t really want to say much more. You know what you did, trying to tug on gamers’ heartstrings only to release the product to much disdain. They might as well have constructed a reflective CD that as you went to put it in your console you could see what you may look like if a vandal drew a poorly, an anatomically incorrect schwing-schwong on the public’s temple.
Biggest screw up of the year
Runner up: Ocean Marketing
This debacle occurred only a few months ago with a heated and idiotic exchange with ‘Ocean Markkkkkketing’. The company (one guy), which deals with PR and such for the Avenger Controller engaged in a verbal punching match with one consumer.
What followed on Ocean’s behalf was a person with the conversational prowess of a lobotomised door, eking out ham-fisted, grammatically incorrect, and idiotic candour not witnessed since the time I was very ill and hallucinated chatting with a scared door mouse.
Thankfully, the man’s career has crumbled and he was fired, most probably having relocated to a part of the globe where such idiocy is praised.
Winner: PSN Outage
Unfortunately Playstation’s take on its users account information was that of an old lady. An old lady who stashes all of her money under the mattress, invites that kindly nuclear holocaust insurance salesman round to for tea while she pops off to the post box to deliver the letter that informed her she’d just won a boat. In short, she’s left standing there wondering where the money’s gone, no more heating for grandma this winter.
A giant faux pas on Sony’s behalf and their response was lackluster, closing the gate after the horse has bolted, casually putting up a singular firewall, and calling it a day, their customers are only inept surfs after all.
Most obvious money grabbing attempt
Runner Up: HD Remakes
Re-releasing games in HD is to the film industry, what releasing movies in 3D are, a soul-sucking attempt from corporate cash herders to suck the money out of your pockets like a financial vacuum cleaner. The thing is, it’s not that bad, and sure it’s nice to have Metal Gear on one disc, but it’s similar to releasing the ‘Collectors-Limited-Gold-Edition’, which is, ultimately shallow. It’s a business though, and that’s what they’re for and we’re fighting a losing battle. First world problems indeed.
Winner: Nintendo
The King, Queen, Viscount, Baron, of re-releases, spin offs, bathroom fragrances and extensive marital aid manufacturers. What really annoyed me with Nintendo this year was Ocarina of Time. I honestly don’t know how long they’ll keep churning it out for every new idiot box they release. It’s a vicious circle, and soon all the ‘new’ content Nintendo will release will be re-releases, having amassed such a haughty catalog the consumer won’t know the difference.
Soon you’ll have the option to play OoT from the coffin or piped into your dream juice while in extensive surgery from the man who bludgeoned you into a coma because you purchased the last copy for the new Wii console presented to you at birth.
Honorable mentions
Virginity world record holder (Man creates 1:1 scale model of Starship Enterprise in Minecraft)
Nintendo Expands Target Demographic (a young child makes the mistake of trying to play Face Raider’s with a gorilla)
Miyamoto knows his pussy (Nintendo’s veteran designer waxes lyrical about the difference between females and cats)
That’s it, I’ve washed my hands of 2011 and am applying the nutrient face mask of 2012 .
To play me out, perhaps the greatest thing to come out of Oblivion. Or not…